We braved the traffic street the fireworks in St. Augustine and drove a little bit further back to the suburbs of Orlando. The hotel prices on the coast were astronomical for 4th of July, but luckily we were able to find a room with Starwood points near Lake Mary. Everybody was pretty tired, so we slept in and enjoyed the rest.
The next day we woke up from our deep slumber at the crack of eleven in the morning and proceeded to Sweet Tomatoes, a buffet chain, where we met with Chris Black and his daughter, Elisabeth. As Charlie and I went to work on traumatizing Elizabeth as much as humanly possible, our parents talked to Chris.
We talked about school, math, veterinary programs, what we wanted to do with our life, our ages, Girl Scouts, Venture Crew, (which I managed to get Elizabeth excited about) fun places in the area, life, the universe, and everything.
Ahem. Anyways, after parting ways with the Blacks, (and a brief run in with a lizard) the family set out to one of the nearby attractions the Blacks had told us about, Gatorland.
When we arrived at the amusement park, we were immediately assaulted by the excess of alligator.
One of the first things I noticed were the "cutesy" southern signs with bad grammar that made me want to run around with a red sharpie screaming, "Ain't isn't a word!!" However, since this scenario only ended with me getting hauled out by the police, I restrained myself.
First, we went to see one of the performances at the park, the 'Up Close Encounters' exhibit, and were surprised to find that the two park rangers who were showing off the animals (aka lots of icky crawlies), were genuinely funny. The two rangers (surprise of surprises) seemed to actually like each other, which was refreshing, and worked off each other well, with a quick and humorous barrage of one liners, arguing, and commentary. The show, also to my astonishment, was obviously improvisation (except for a few obviously scripted or often used jokes) and there were a few moments when the two rangers even made each other crack up. The rangers showed off their selection of tarantulas, cottonmouths, and pythons.
Overall, the show was very entertaining, this entertainment only broken up by the obligatory "tourist trap" segment after the show where the rangers accepted "donations" of five dollars for pictures with the python.
Next, we went to feed the alligators in the main area. Unfortunately, since it's apparently "against the law" to feed your brother to the alligators, we settled on feeding the alligators some hot dogs, which a nearby bird tried desperately to steal.
However, we were lucky enough to have the Great Camel Tamer-Dancer of the Nile as a father, so he proceeded to charm the birds, lead it away to a secluded area, and began to dance. Unfortunately for my father's reputation as a Great Animal Tamer, the bird was not amused and stood back staring at my father with the cold and lifeless stare that can only be achieved by a creature with such a deep seated hatred for the recipient of the stare that death would be considered too charitable a fate. So, naturally, deterred by his failure as an Animal Whisperer, the family started to start torturing the poor, murderous, blood thirsty alligators by bouncing hot dog pieces off their noses and various body parts, all while we cheered on each other's accuracy as if we were dive bombers during the World War.
On our way to the next attraction, we found a rare sight- a mother peacock wandering around with her two babies.
Next, we visited the biggest alligator in the entire park, a thirteen and a half foot long 'gator by the name of Chester the "Dog Eater," who had lived in the wild, eating dogs and having a generally good time until he was captured by trappers and "rescued" by the Gatorland staff.
After that, we visited the snake exhibit and smiled with a perverse sense of glee as Mom squirmed in the corner at the sight of all the slippery, terrifying, creepy crawlies. No matter how sweetly we smiled or tried to coax her to come over to look at the adorable, lovely snakies, she wouldn't budge, so we decided to move on to the next exhibit- the white Leucistic alligators.
When we arrived at the amusement park, we were immediately assaulted by the excess of alligator.
One of the first things I noticed were the "cutesy" southern signs with bad grammar that made me want to run around with a red sharpie screaming, "Ain't isn't a word!!" However, since this scenario only ended with me getting hauled out by the police, I restrained myself.
First, we went to see one of the performances at the park, the 'Up Close Encounters' exhibit, and were surprised to find that the two park rangers who were showing off the animals (aka lots of icky crawlies), were genuinely funny. The two rangers (surprise of surprises) seemed to actually like each other, which was refreshing, and worked off each other well, with a quick and humorous barrage of one liners, arguing, and commentary. The show, also to my astonishment, was obviously improvisation (except for a few obviously scripted or often used jokes) and there were a few moments when the two rangers even made each other crack up. The rangers showed off their selection of tarantulas, cottonmouths, and pythons.
Overall, the show was very entertaining, this entertainment only broken up by the obligatory "tourist trap" segment after the show where the rangers accepted "donations" of five dollars for pictures with the python.
Next, we went to feed the alligators in the main area. Unfortunately, since it's apparently "against the law" to feed your brother to the alligators, we settled on feeding the alligators some hot dogs, which a nearby bird tried desperately to steal.
However, we were lucky enough to have the Great Camel Tamer-Dancer of the Nile as a father, so he proceeded to charm the birds, lead it away to a secluded area, and began to dance. Unfortunately for my father's reputation as a Great Animal Tamer, the bird was not amused and stood back staring at my father with the cold and lifeless stare that can only be achieved by a creature with such a deep seated hatred for the recipient of the stare that death would be considered too charitable a fate. So, naturally, deterred by his failure as an Animal Whisperer, the family started to start torturing the poor, murderous, blood thirsty alligators by bouncing hot dog pieces off their noses and various body parts, all while we cheered on each other's accuracy as if we were dive bombers during the World War.
On our way to the next attraction, we found a rare sight- a mother peacock wandering around with her two babies.
Next, we visited the biggest alligator in the entire park, a thirteen and a half foot long 'gator by the name of Chester the "Dog Eater," who had lived in the wild, eating dogs and having a generally good time until he was captured by trappers and "rescued" by the Gatorland staff.
After that, we visited the snake exhibit and smiled with a perverse sense of glee as Mom squirmed in the corner at the sight of all the slippery, terrifying, creepy crawlies. No matter how sweetly we smiled or tried to coax her to come over to look at the adorable, lovely snakies, she wouldn't budge, so we decided to move on to the next exhibit- the white Leucistic alligators.
Interestingly enough, the alligators were not, as I had originally thought, albino, but a rare type of alligator that had white scales and blue eyes. In addition, we found a small story about the White Alligator and the Rabbit, which I will now tell to you:
In the beginning, all alligators were white. One day Rabbit went up to Alligator and teased him. "You are very brave," he said, "But I bet you are not brave enough to meet the devil." The White Alligator was outraged. "Of course I am brave enough," he roared, "Where can I find the devil, so I might show you my courage." "Well," the Rabbit replied, "wait in the tall grass by the river until you see smoke. The other animals will try to run away, because they are so terrified, but you must stay where you are, no matter what happens. When you see flames in the grass- there you will also see the devil." And so, everything happened as the Rabbit said. "Cowards," thought the White Alligator as the other animals scurried past him, to safety. As the White Alligator lay in wait for the devil to appear the smoke and heat began to turn his skin brown. Finally, he saw the flames, just as the Rabbit said he would- but, to his surprise, there was no devil! It was then the Alligator realized he had been tricked and fled the scene, the Rabbits laughter echoing from behind him.
And, to this day, the White Alligator's descendants are born brown, as a reminder that one should not trust rabbits.
Wait, what?
The alligator wrestling exhibit was next. We sat in awe as the ranger walked into the pit in the center of the amphitheater, filled with alligators and hauled an alligator out by its tail. Grabbing the alligator, he forced the alligator's jaw closed and jumped on the alligator's back. Once again, the ranger's back and forth improvisational banter was entertaining, even if the energy level of the crowd was heavily impaired by the sluggish, sweltering air.
The first ranger grabbed another alligator, jumped on his back, and began to explain to us about the most dangerous part of the alligator- the mouth. In fact, he said that an alligator's mouth had an amazing amount of closing power, for snapping it's victims, but very little power for opening it's mouth.
So, it was possible to hold the alligator's mouth closed with your chin.
"Smile," joked one of the rangers.
The ranger wrestling the alligator even was able to pry open the alligator's mouth, so that the audience could look inside.
Lastly, the wrestler flipped the alligator, causing it to go to "sleep."
Then the wrestler woke up the alligator, turned it around, tied it's mouth and let tourists come and take a picture "wrestling" the alligator for only ten dollars apiece!!
But I digress.
We continued on to the other attractions. In addition to alligators and snakes, the park had parrots, budges, a petting zoo filled with goats, and even a white raccoon (again, not an albino).
The family decided to go to some of the exhibits on the less crowded edges of the park. We saw many different kinds of alligator and took many more pictures.
Including some very silly photos.
All in all, it was a very productive trip for a young blackmailer of my disposition. (Which reminds me- $10,000 at the usual place, alright?)
The last event of the day was the feeding of the alligators at the center of the park. We laughed along with the audience as three rangers put on the show. Two of the rangers- dressed in matching overalls- were introduced as Bubba and Cooter, Southern-accented, childish, stereotypical hillbillies who were both applying for a job at Gotorland. As such, they had to compete with each other for the job, on who could make the alligators jump the highest and feed the alligators the fastest.
There were even some good jokes in the show. For example, when asked for a word for the crowd to shout to get the alligators to jump, the words "mayonnaise" and "deez" (as in deez alligators) were suggested, before the two bumpkins decided on "jump," simple and to the point.
On our way out of the park, we passed through the gift shop, and the adorable, murderous, bloodthirsty baby alligators. (Wait, I already made this joke...)
We continued on our drive back to Fort Meyers, stopping to eat at a BBQ place on the way, where we gorged ourselves on BBQ chicken, ribs, and delicious, mouthwatering, saucy sauces.
Finally, we arrived at Fort Meyers, unloaded the car, and slept.
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